Bullying: let's start the conversation

BULLYING: STARTING THE CONVERSATION

In light of recent events of multiple incidents of abuse at a Canadian All Boys school in Toronto, I feel it is important to discuss ways we can prevent bullying. I would like to share some ways we can help prevent bullying, educate our kids to counter it, report it, diffuse it and most importantly stand against it. Bullying is not “cool”. It never has been, but regardless it seems to have escalated to horrid levels of physical, sexual and mental abuse. I feel that a big part of bullying is enhanced due to social media. The effects are irreversible, debilitating, traumatizing which leads to years of scarring and mental/emotional issues long into adulthood. I would like to take a moment to recognize and discuss this issue and make all of us a little more aware of it.

We have all been a bully, every single one of us. Whether we teased someone in school harmlessly or in ‘good fun’ to picking physical fights and humiliating another. Parents bully their kids and see it as a form of discipline. We wonder where and how kids learn this behaviour, we blame TV, Parents, siblings, media etc..We need to stop placing the blame and realize that none of that is ever going to change. I feel that talking about it, calling out the abuser, pointing out their bullying behaviour and reporting it is a start. We must recognize our own behaviour as well; our children are sponges, they devour and copy everything they see.

I want to take this opportunity to share with you some things we do with our daughters that we have personally seen successful with and from their teachers.

It’s Nice to be Nice

We have a saying, that we instilled in our children, anytime there is bullying, or abusive behaviour being witnessed via TV or a Show (news flash, it’s even in kids shows) we always make sure we explain that this behaviour is not that of a good person. We don’t treat people like that. We say, “it’s nice to be nice”.

Our eldest daughter says it all the time now and will point it out to other kids at her school that are being “mean”. Even her teachers have mentioned how good natured and sweet she is. I am not saying she is perfect, there have been times that she didn’t want to let someone play with her, but I do my best to nip that talk right in the butt, right then and there. I make sure she understands how it would make her feel if her friend said she didn’t want to play with her? We talk about it.

In fact, she once mentioned that one of her friends at preschool told another one of her friends that she wasn’t allowed to play with them. I didn’t give an opinion right away, instead I asked, what did you do? My daughter proudly told her friend that it wasn’t nice, and it was “nice to be nice.” It seems silly but it’s so simple. It’s nice to be nice. I even find myself saying it when I am road raging or being short with the cashier because I had a bad day. I stop, regroup and say to myself, “it’s nice to be nice”

Ask Questions

When I pick up my eldest from school, I probe. I don’t seek to find negative, but I ask very specific questions about her day. Who did she play with, what activities did they do that day? What teachers were there? Did she do anything fun? What was her favourite part? Did she make any new friends? When she says something that may perk my interest or stand out as a flag, I probe. What do you mean? Who was there? Did you say sorry? Did they say sorry? Are you friends? Why or why not? etc…. Some people may think of this as helicopter parenting but I think it as being an informed and responsible parent. Children tend to exaggerate the truth and their imaginations, so I take everything with a grain of salt. It is important to me though that as soon as something worries me, or strikes me as off, I will call her teacher and discuss the issue. I have yet to have her teacher say I am overreacting, or I should call less. If anything, she has said the opposite, the teacher has told me that she appreciates that I take the time and she can only be aware of situations and behaviours if they are reported.

Be the Change You Want to See in the World

Yeah, it’s cliché, but Gandhi was right. If we want a better world for our kids, we need to be better. We are all human, we catch ourselves all the time doing negative things. We brush it off, we think to ourselves; we’ll do better tomorrow, we’ll set a better example next time, we’ll be better, but do we?

People must be held accountable for their own mistakes and faults. I will be the first to admit I have yelled at my kids! More times than I would like to have. I have been that crazy banshee momma that just down right loses her shit. I end up crying, my kids are crying, and I feel like shit, a bad Mom and my daughters feel scared, emotional, sad, at my own doing. Will it be the last time, probably not? Can I do better? Absolutely. If I ever over react, yell or lose my shit in general in front of my kids, I tell them afterwards, why it happened and why I reacted in that manner. I explain to my children that what Mommy did was not okay, and that I want them to know that. I tell them that now mom feels very sorry and explain to them that Mommy should not yell and lose her temper so quickly. I make sure my kids know I am responsible for my behaviour. I hold myself accountable and discuss that we are not all perfect and that deep down I want to do better. It doesn’t mean I forgive them for any bad behaviour that resulted to me losing my shit, but it’s a way to teach my kids to recognize when they made a mistake and give them the opportunity to be better.

What is a Bully?

A bully is, by definition, a person who habitually seeks to harm, or intimidate others they perceive to be as vulnerable.

Ok, that is all fine and dandy, but how does one explain that to a 4-year-old? To a 10-year-old? We must be so clear and ensure there is no room for interpretation on what a bully is and we must classify these actions as abuse. As a parent you can point out bullying behaviour to your child and explain when a situation is that of a bully or abuser.

It’s not enough, children are very easily influenced by all factors around them.

A Parent’s Greatest Fear

I spoke to a few of my close Mom friends to discuss this topic. I felt that this bullying issue is very important, especially now, and discussed with them how we should all talk about it, instead of reading about it. My friend Kate said she is mostly scared that her daughters won’t tell her when or if they are bullied. She feels that kids that are bullied may feel threatened and too scared to out their abuser. They may fear the abuse will get worse, and the bully will retaliate. In some cases, the victim may feel they deserve the abuse and say nothing because they have been led to believe what their abuser has said, that they deserve this. The notion that tattle telling is bad is driven into us at a young age, so where is the line between being a snitch and helping a victim? So, have that conversation with your kids and point out behaviours when it’s ok to tattle. Also, when it’s not.

My Own Personal Experience

I can sit here, behind a computer screen and preach how we need to do better and how to make a difference, but I think it’s important to know that I was someone that was bullied. Not just a name calling here and there. When I was in Grades 4 and 5, it was the most awful school years for me. I was skinny, bony, gangly skinny, I had buck teeth and hair too long for my skinny frame. I was the definition of awkward. I was called ugly. Kids got so creative and used my name against me, calling me “air head”. I was followed around the school grounds, being humiliated. One of my worst memories was being pushed down a flight of stairs, thankfully I held the railing and caught myself.

Who was my bully? She was an old best friend. I’m not sure when it turned from sleepovers and making friendship bracelets to her making my life a living hell. I couldn’t tell you what happened or what the driving force was, but I will forever remember her name. For anonymous circumstances, lets call her Anna Martin, it’s not her real name but close enough.

Although it was was just 1 girl bullying me, it got so bad that I was becoming physically ill before school. I didn’t want to go, I made myself sick with anxiety.

I was 9.

I was 9 years old and I had anxiety. WTF.

No kid should ever feel that way. School is supposed to be your safe place. My abuser would call me out in a crowd and make fun of me in front of our classmates. She said nasty things and had 2 sidekicks that motivated her. They all got a kick out of it. My tears drove their power trips. I remember one day my Mom witnessed me being bullied. She retaliated in a way I think any Momma bear would want to. She called out my bully. She bullied her back, she went to the principal and….. crickets. Nothing was ever done. I remember my Mom shaking from anger. Her feeling of helplessness was overwhelming that me, at 9 years could feel it, sitting in the passenger seat, noticing for the first time how my bullying didn’t just effect me. It tore my Mom up. So when the school wouldn’t help, we moved. 45 minutes up island to Victoria.

It was the BEST thing that could have happened to me. I made new friends, no one knew of my previous bullying; that I was called “air head.” I got a fresh start. My grades improved, I made small wins. One thing that took years to overcome, was my anxiety as a kid. I struggled with stomach issues resulting from anxiety. I became paranoid and developed OCD tendencies about my anxiety and their triggers. Needless to say, my behaviour was quite unusual for a 10-14 year-old. My mom did what she had to, and I am thankful for it.

The Effects of Bullying

Growing up I don’t think we really gave a serious thought or notion on the effects of bullying. We didn’t consider the long-term effects or development issues socially and mentally as we age. Kids who are bullied are likely to have the below effects, taken from www.stopbullying.gov

Depression, anxiety, feelings of sadness
Changes in sleep and eating patterns
Loss of interest in things they once enjoyed
Health complaints
Academically: Kids who are bullied are more likely to skip, miss and drop out of school

What About the Kids That ARE the Bully?

Substance abuse from an early age into adulthood.
Early sexual activity
Criminal activity like vandalizing property and risky behaviours
Abuse towards partners and children as adults

Signs Your Child is Being Bullied?

Re-occurring and unexplainable injuries
Damaged personal items (lunch box, clothing, etc)
Sudden friend loss
Scared and unwillingness to go to school
Difficulty sleeping, eating habits
Health issues (headaches, stomach aches)

If you think your child is being bullied, or perhaps is a bully, start asking questions, noting behaviours and talking to their teachers. Allow a safe place for your kids to talk to you. Make sure your children know its ok to talk to you, explain to them that they aren’t in trouble and talking about it is the right thing to do.

Other Ways to Get Involved?

Find out if your school has a bullying prevention program, if not, start one. Get guest speakers to talk to the student body, initiate a call of action and process for when it occurs. It’s never too early to start, and I think even at preschool its important to educate our kids, our children should learn early what’s right and what’s wrong.