“What’s this rash on my baby?”
“He won’t stop crying, what do I do?”
“I am having dark thoughts, I need help. “
“My partner doesn’t help.”
“My baby just did the cutest thing, check out this video.”
The Mom Group.
Unless you are part of one, it’s not what you think it is. There are women, who are Moms. They are a part of a bigger thing. A community of Moms. It takes a village they say. But with traditional families becoming less and less, a lot of moms feel that they don’t have that support, not IRL(In real life) at least.
When I was pregnant with my eldest, I googled about every symptom of pregnancy, of how dark my test line should be, when my predicted due date would be, documentaries of giving birth, the effects of pain medication during labour and so on.
I soon discovered something better than Google.
I had discovered a group of Canadian moms, all due the same month as me. October 2014. My eldest was born Sept 30, but they still kept me!
Initially, the group was huge. Almost 500 I believe at the time. The group now, at the time of writing is at 184. 184 solid women. Women who have been there for me when my Mom or best friend couldn’t be. When my husband couldn’t be.
There is something that feels safe about posting to a group of women that don’t know you personally or know you in real life. That added veil of anonymity is an amazing safety net. But it also allows for this level of complete transparency and openness. It can be the most therapeutic yet most terrifying thing you could experience. Putting it all out there.
We all started getting to know each other when we were 4-5 weeks pregnant. Our babies the sizes of sesame seeds. Now, they have just started kindergarten…and we all went through these stages together.
I want to share with you why the Mom Group is the new “village” for the new era momma.
But on to my reasons why Mom Groups rock:
- It feels safe. Like I already said, there is a level of anonymity that supplies a security blanket of safety to open up in a way you may not to family and friends local to you. There are times I have asked questions or posted an event in my Mom Group before I have told my family and friends. When my youngest got a stick stuck in her throat, and I had to call 9-1-1, uncertain why my Baby was choking, or throwing up blood, I had 200 women
- behind me, sending me messages of LOVE. Telling me not to worry, it’s not my fault, shit happens. But also wanting to know how my baby was, send them updates and when she was out of surgery and better, the love and support sent to my baby was overwhelming.
- Everyone is experiencing stages at the same time. With all of our babies born at the same time, we are all experiencing the same things, more or less at the same time.
- Non-Judgemental. We have all walks of life in our group. We have home school mommas, hippie-dippy mommas, career mommas, SAHM, Business for self mommas, single moms, moms of multiples, moms of one, etc…Yet, we all respect each other and offer support, regardless if we believe something different.
- The Drama (sometimes) We have been pretty lucky in our group that we haven’t had a lot of drama or fights. But that’s not to say there isn’t’ something to be learned in those moments and also, some entertainment. The GIF of Michael Jackson eating popcorn while the comments roll in is always appropriate. But to be honest, the group I’m in is SOLID. There were moments of growing pains in the beginning but our group number hasn’t changed much over the last couple of years and we have established this working order of relationships and respect that finds us with little drama if any now.
There is tragedy too..
Given all the gush and feel good moments Mom Groups can offer. It can also be very sad. Our group suffered a loss that really was devastating, and even that isn’t sufficient to describe it. When you become a Momma and you hear
another Mom in the group has lost their baby, it guts you. You cannot breathe. Or function. You have your baby and you think the pregnancy and delivery is over. Hard part done, risk is over, you have your baby with you now. But sometimes that is not always the truth. Our group was initially at 500 or close to. Yes, we lost members due to inactivity, or drama, but we lost a lot to miscarriages and 1 to a heartbreaking loss that we will forever be affected by.
I would like to think we did right by that Mom. She didn’t tell anyone what happened. We found out, and we raised money for her because, well we didn’t know what else to. We raised just over $2,000 that helped to pay for her baby’s headstone.
When another Momma had her 2nd baby and complications had her in Children’s hospital, with unanswered questions about her baby, tests, living out of the hospital, having to support her baby, not work, but also help with her eldest child….We were there again. We raised money again and we had mommas that lived in her area that took her out to dinner. That visited her. Held her hand….
For all types of Moms, in all stages of Motherhood.
So, Mom groups are amazing. They can be the best fucking thing for new moms, scared moms, hopeless and nowhere to turn moms.
5.5 years I’ve been a part of mine. 184 women and I’ve met a handful in person maybe.
But I know Krista has 2 boys, what she does for a living, that she surprises her boys each birthday with taped balloons outside their door each birthday.
And Sam runs her own blog, and home schools her babies. She is very open with mental health and in turn, helps so many other mommas
Then there is MJ, she is basically the Mom of our mom group. Wisdom beyond her years and advice that makes your light bulbs click and think “yes…!”
the absolute truth.
Then there is Kelsey who co-admins the group with me and we have bonded over trivial things or group dramas. She lives closer than some other Moms, yet we have never met.
Natalie, Ashley, Michelle, Lily, Danielle, Krista all live on this Island with me. I met Danielle for the first time on the ferry here randomly, it was a chance meeting and glad I had it.
Then there is Kristy and Becky, who were pregnant and due with their next babies with me, actually, we all gave birth within a week of each other.
We’ve been through a lot in 5.5 years
Our group has been through divorce, marriage, separation, child illness and life changing diagnosis. We’ve built houses, faced tragedy, moved cities and provinces. We’ve faced additional pregnancies and had hard losses. Family drama and even simple advice for outfit suggestions for family photos.
See, I have more mom friends and support than I do “IRL” which seems so silly to say, but it’s
Over the years the topics have changed from diaper rashes and why does my nipple look this way after a feed, to my 5 year old has an issue at school, bullying, entering school, reading, and learning. And other times, women just need a venting platform. It was the ONE safe place for me when I had my 2 miscarriages back to back.
I asked my Mom group if they could tell me 1 thing they love or appreciate about our group, and I will share with you some of them, but there is ONE big commonality between everyone’s answers, and it boils down to acceptance and love. Why can we have those things virtually, but find them harder to come by in our personal lives?
“Non Judgemental support”
“No Drama”
“Life long friendships”
“Wonderful supportive people who care always”
“Real connections and friendships”
“The advice, kindness, no drama, welcoming feel”
“SO much love”
“It’s my go-to for advice”
And so the comments went on like this. It turned into a really lovey mushy post, to be honest. But it was a great reminder to not underestimate your online friends.
People use to be embarrassed about having friends online, and now tables have turned, and it’s some of the best friendships I have. I will be 80 with grandchildren and still seeking advice in my Mom Group, however, the subjects may change 🙂
Feedback? Ideas for a series or blog? Let me know! erin@theunfilteredmommy.com
Looking for more?
Read Darcie’s journey in the Accidental Surrogate series
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