The ‘M’ Word: Miscarriage

Miscarriage. Pregnancy loss. Chemical pregnancy. Still born.

You peed on the stick. You saw that pink line. Pregnant. 

Maybe you were overjoyed, and it was welcome. Maybe it was a shock and fear and panic ran through you, but once the shock settled you were excited, hopeful for this future baby and addition to your family. As soon as you see that line, everything changes. You think names, boy or girl, will you find out gender, how will siblings or partners react? You start planning. In the blink of an eye, future plans have changed. That trip, that small car, the spare bedroom, budget, car seats, your job, what will you tell them. There is no “kind of pregnant’ or partially. You are either pregnant or you’re not. So if you have a friend or family member that loses a baby at 5 weeks or 12, it still hurts. Her dreams, her plans, have been crushed, her soul devastated. To her, that baby had a name, it was a part of her and she had started the planning for that baby. Her birth month, the delivery, the idea of that little one, to be in her arms in a few month’s time was the realist and most beautiful thing a woman can experience.

To have it taken away, regardless of 5 weeks or 20, it crushes you. So to say “oh, you were only 5 weeks, it wasn’t even a baby yet” is the most ignorant, and fucking useless twat thing to say and you should be ashamed of yourself. If you are one of those people that pish poshed a friend’s loss, do mankind a favour and call that friend up and say “hey, I’m sorry I was an asshole” Seriously….you should do that now. 

My experience.

I have been pregnant 5 times. I have been told that 3 of those times “don’t count”. I wish I was joking when I type that, but by numerous people. The very first time I got pregnant, I was aware for all of 4-5 days before I lost it. A chemical pregnancy they call it. An early miscarriage that results usually due to chromosomal abnormalities. I was at work when it happened, unfortunately, no cramping initially but when I went to the washroom, I had a very heavy bleed, I knew it wasn’t good. I happened to have a pregnancy test on me at the time, so I took it and it said negative, right away. It happened so fast and sudden. It was my first pregnancy, first loss and I was young and scared. I went to the OB that I had set up an appointment with for a few weeks for my first check, and wow! I understand some medical professionals become desensitized to this stuff.

This woman was cool. Here I am, bawling in her office, and she has the nerve to say “You were barely pregnant. It’s just like a period. If you hadn’t taken a test, you would have thought this was just a more intense, heavy period” and off she sent me home to quietly miscarry through the night.  That drive home was a blur. Crying and angry, I managed to get home, collapse in the entryway in a heap and cry. Throughout the night I had contractions and waves that were so painful and intense, 8 hours straight of it on and off. I had a very delirious sleep that night and took the next day off work. I bled for 5-8 days and just like that, it was over. The good news is we didn’t wait to try again and we literally got pregnant 2 weeks later with our now eldest daughter. 

My 4th pregnancy…. We had concluded that we were done having kiddos. We had 2 beautiful daughters and we were getting married, getting older, so we called it. Focusing on the wedding and a new job, I went on, happy and accepting of my family and that 2 is what we were stopping at. Low and behold when I realized I was 4 days late, which is odd for me. 1 day, sure that’s happened but 4 days! So off I went to get a test and in all honesty, I did NOT expect to see that line pop up. But there it was, clear as day. I was panicking. I believe the words out of my mouth were “no, no, no, fucking no…” I was petrified to tell my partner. What were we going to do? 

“I’m Pregnant”

That night, we were getting ready to watch a movie, he sits down on the couch and I blurted… “I’m pregnant”

“….what?” 

“…….I’m pregnant….” 

“You’re fucking kidding, right?”

“………”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah”

“How?!” 

“I don’t know” 

He sat silent, shocked and also a bit “wtf are we going to do with 3” But then he said the words that changed everything and set the pace for our excitement. 

“Well, it’s the worst timing, but I am pumped about this baby” I could have cried with relief.  

Mother Natures a Bitch

There was a lot to think about, our upcoming wedding, did I want to be 5 months pregnant? Should we elope? What do we tell family?  

It didn’t matter anyway, mother nature made it easy for us when a few days after telling my Mom, I was getting the girls ready for school in the morning and I had a sudden onset of intense, debilitating cramps…it doubled me over and I could not stand up straight. That sinking feeling in my stomach was there right away.

Something was wrong.

I immediately ran to the bathroom, thinking I was miscarrying right then as I had the previous time, but no blood. So I managed to drive my kids to school, called in sick to work and crawled in my bed, texting my midwife throughout the day. My HCG levels had been low to begin with but were doubling normally. 2 hours after the cramping had started, I had a small spot of bright red blood, which turned brown. 

Dr. Google is the worst doctor.

Here is my .02 cents. The internet is going to tell you that brown blood is old blood, which is fine. That its nothing to worry about.  My blood work that day was normal, so it was the hurry up and wait route, no other option so early in my pregnancy. I spotted brown for 5 days straight. I took 2 additional pregnancy tests during this time, all of which progressively got darker. So I had the thought that I was one of those women who had unexplained bleeding.

My midwife booked an emergency ultrasound and they saw nothing. Given my symptoms, everyone kept saying Ectopic pregnancy. Ultrasound tech saw no pregnancy in my uterus. But he also didn’t see anything anywhere else. But my blood and pee tests all screamed I was pregnant. They determined more hurry up and waiting, 2 more weeks actually to have another scan. My spotting stopped on a Friday, I had no cramping and was feeling optimistic.

Then Monday, driving home from work, that same intense, awful cramping. It was different than my first miscarriage. The cramping feeling was like extreme gas, and the pain was so bad I thought I was going to have to pull over to be sick. Once home, I ran to the toilet, and again, one spot of bright red, followed by more brown spotting. I laid on my bed in the fetal position and cried. We had plans to not find out the gender, to be surprised this time.

We were excited at the prospect of another little girl or a first boy. We had been thinking of all the ways we could tell our kids that they would be big sisters. We planned to get a minivan….all the plans in my head, the family of 5 that would never be. I will never know if that baby was a boy, or girl. What they may look like, their personality or traits. 

I decided that I was done with this waiting game to determine if this was a viable pregnancy or not. Mother Nature can be cruel, but I did not want to go another week thinking “maybe it’s fine, maybe it’s not” I was so anxious. Every time I went to the washroom and saw blood. Every twing in my stomach, cramp in my side, gas pain etc…all set me into a panicked state. My mental health and anxiety could not take it. So off I went to the emergency room.

Again, I keep hearing Ectopic or out of uterine pregnancy. They see no pregnancy in my uterus yet again. They send me to another hospital that has a women’s health unit and OB on call. She doesn’t want me to go home in case there is a risk of rupture, so they keep me overnight. They do 4 rounds of blood work and emergency ultrasounds, they find a blood cyst on my one ovary but was assured that wasn’t anything to worry about and they resolve themselves usually on their own. They were worried that they couldn’t see where this pregnancy was.

My levels came back the next morning and they were falling. Confirmed, I was miscarrying. But the ‘good news’ was my body was doing what it should and I was told to go home and just let it happen. Well there was no immediate closure, it took 3 weeks in all for this to “take care of itself” 

Onwards and Upwards….not so much

So onwards and upwards. We focus on yay, I won’t be pregnant for our wedding, and we can actually try later when we are ready and we have intent. So I start tracking with Ovulation Predictor kits, If you are reading this, I feel like I don’t need to explain this…

Anyways, closer to my period day, the tests were getting darker, which is not how that should be working. I had missed my ovulation day this cycle so I was taking them still just to rule out any late ovulation, but the day my period was due, my OPK peaked. Test line darker than the control line. By A LOT. 

Talk to a couple of girlfriends that say, positive OPK’s can mean pregnancy. 

Fuck off I say. 

I dig under my sink. I only have a digital. But what the hell? I pee on it. 

The digital ones are the worst. You get this flashing clock and there is no line to see right away or see how it develops. You just wait for the reading to pop up, either pregnant or not. Sometimes with how many weeks. 

DING, it’s ready. 

“Pregnant. 1-2 weeks” 

This is a cruel joke, right? But nope, we start the rounds of HCG blood, my levels are normal this time around. I have no cramping and no spotting. GREAT! This is going to be it. Our #3 baby, again, not planned but this is it. 

6 weeks into it and I still don’t feel pregnant. Odd. I had massive morning sickness with both girls. Food Aversions. Sore boobs. Acne. I literally have nothing. I tell myself that I’m more tired, but looking back I don’t know if that was because I was grasping at straws or what. I ask my midwife to move my ultrasound up. She gets me in the next day. 

“We can’t say anything”

Tech comes in, chatting with me. Then she is quiet. Her chatting stops. “One moment,” she tells me as she leaves the room. 

A different Tech comes in. A cursory, hello, how are you, and then radio silence as she navigates the controls. They tell me they are going to do an internal to get a better view. 

“Sure,” I say “Everything ok?” Even though legally they cannot tell me anything, but whenever I’ve had a healthy baby, the tech is always happy to show me, listen to heartbeat etc…

“We can’t say anything unfortunately” is the reply. 

My heart literally sinks. I know. This baby is not happening. 

They leave the room and when they return, they are accompanied by a doctor who tells me I have a pregnancy sac, but no fetus, no baby, no egg yolk. Nothing. A blighted Ovum they tell me. 

My body is growing an empty sac. No wonder I had no symptoms. 

The fact I had an out of uterine pregnancy, followed by a blighted ovum is unheard of. That’s a 1% chance of that happening. 

This time, they talk about a D&C since I am almost 8 weeks along at this point and my body hasn’t started rejecting it. They are going to follow up.  It’s OK though before they can arrange surgery, my body finally wakes up and realizes shit is not right. 

The saying ‘when it rains, it pours’ has never been so accurate for me these last few months. I will say, this has been sitting in my drafts folder for months. I started this in March, it’s now October.  Our wedding has come and gone. I wasn’t pregnant, I was able to drink, my dress fit me and it was wonderful. I got a new job and we are buying our rental home. So, 2019 started out super shitty, but it might end great after all. 

This experience though, made me want to put more awareness into what pregnancy loss really is. How different it is for each person but also to point out that it’s nothing to be flippant over. 

Don’t be an ignorant friend

After a woman loses a pregnancy, she just needs a hug. An “I’m so sorry” or “this is fucking unfair” Something genuine. 

 If you try to make a woman feel better with any of these… 

“It’s ok, you can just make another one” 

“You can try again”

“You weren’t really pregnant anyways” 

“everything happens for a reason” 

“At least you know you can GET pregnant” 

or anything else ignorant that enters your brain. Stop. Don’t let those words leave your mouth. And re-read my first sentence above. That is all you need to say. 

The other reason why I wanted to share this was to point out all the different symptoms of miscarriage and to honestly, follow your gut. I knew something wasn’t right. When my HCG numbers were 77 with my out of uterine pregnancy, I knew. When I didn’t get one single symptom, I knew.  Even though the internet said “everyone was different”, I just knew. Coupled with the brown old blood that Dr. Google also said was “normal” was actually NOT normal. All of my symptoms were of an ectopic or out of uterine pregnancy. 

• Brown spotting/discharge
• Rectal pressure
• Low HCG levels
• Cramping that feels like intense gas

My chemical pregnancy actually had no symptoms whatsoever. It just was sudden, and over within hours. There is no normal with pregnancy loss. 

I have literally been working on this post for more than half a year. Always losing the guts to publish it. I had added, reworded, deleted and edited more times than I can count. Actually, it counts for me. 7 times. 7 times I was in here writing about the M word.

I’m not sure why it makes people uncomfortable, and I wish we talked about it more. There is nothing wrong with you if you experience a miscarriage. Nothing wrong with your partner. There CAN be things affecting why, and there are so many wonderful medical advances to help women successfully get pregnant.

Talk about it, share your story. October is Miscarriage and infant loss month. Talk to someone, it doesn’t have to be huge and grandeous like the internet, or even to someone real. Writing your thoughts and feelings has been found to be theraputic for most people. Write it down, save it and never share it with anyone, that’s fine too. Just know you are not alone. XO <3

-Erin

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