The Last Chapter
She didn’t have a birth plan. There was no zen music, no requests or preference on anything except to get this baby out. So on Christmas Eve, when the doctor mentioned the baby’s heart rate was dropping and the word C-section was mentioned, she didn’t hesitate or argue. It was go time. This was the last chapter.
I am jumping ahead a bit.
The last week of Darcie’s pregnancy was the straw on the camel’s back. She was done. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Just done. At 39 weeks she had a check up with her OB and it was decided that they would induce her on her due date, Dec 23rd.
This was it. One of the last things to complete before she can start her new life. Her divorce was final, the house her ex husband and her shared was up for sale. She could truly start new, and how badly she wanted a fresh start. Don’t get Darcie wrong, she will be the first to tell you how what she did was the most rewarding thing she has done, to take a serious consequence of her lack in judgement and make it a beautiful family story is something she will treasure always, the baby will be her niece after all.
Induction
8PM and Darcie was checked into the hospital, induction process was started she was told to wait an hour to ensure baby and her were OK before sending her home. At 10:30 she arrived home and her contractions seemed to start immediately and she was bleeding quite heavily. So at 1:30am she called her Sister in law, the baby’s Mother, and they went back to the hospital.
Surrounded by the baby’s parents and her Mom, they waited. By Morning the doctors were concerned with the heart rate, so they moved ahead and broke Darcie’s water about 9am. More waiting with no changes, so C-section it was.
Delivery
Darcie couldn’t keep her eyes open for the whole delivery, she was exhausted and on medication for the surgery. That was OK with Darcie though. She didn’t want to see her anyways.
When they pulled her out, her sister in law was right beside Darcie to see her daughter for the first time. I don’t care who you are but that brought me tears to my eyes. You too? For a family that has struggled to conceive on their own, only to have to turn to the system to apply for adoption, the process of waiting, the home visits to see if they are “fit”, all to be replaced with the blessing of adopting within your family. A new baby girl to add to the growing family. That’s an emotional, beautiful thing.
Darcie’s sister law asked her if she wanted to see her. Darcie said no. Not everyone reading will understand, but it was hard for her. To see what was created inside of her. If she did say yes, she would exam her, did she look like her? Maybe there were features of the unknown father that she would never know. Perhaps her feelings would change and she might become emotional. No, it wasn’t worth the risk. She had to start over, this chapter was coming to a close. It was almost there, she could taste it. So no, she didn’t want to see the baby.
The biggest question I had for Darcie, as I’m sure is one of yours too, is did she hold the baby?
No, she didn’t. At time of me writing this (Feb 17) She has only recently held her niece for the first time.
The baby was in her hospital room the whole time Darcie was there. Visitors came and went, her Sister in law stayed with her daughter at the hospital as well. Darcie thought she should feel happy. She did an amazing thing. Yet, watching everyone else be happy and overjoyed with this new little bundle was incredibly hard. She was in pain, uncomfortable. It was a reminder of what she didn’t have. She didn’t have a marriage anymore. A happy home. The house she built with her ex husband, the home that was suppose to be their forever home, was up for sale. She just wanted to go home, be alone and cry.
Finally at home
Darcie was discharged and home on Christmas day. The family postponed Christmas activities to New Years. While Darcie wrapped herself in blankets, cried in her bathtub, her brother and sister in law were reaching out every day, they were amazing and remembered that while they were over the moon ecstatic, she was not. Her Mom was amazing and understood her pain, her emotional roller coaster outbursts, the inability to want to see the baby or hold her, her Mom understood it all and was there for her through it all.
Even at the family Christmas dinner, Darcie couldn’t handle watching everyone be so happy, passing the baby around to hold. Darcie left the room. She is fully aware that a lot of it has to do with the hormones and recovery of such an event. She will get back to herself, one day. Right now the recovery part is where she will need her family the most.
At the time of deliver, Darcie had her tubes tied. For me personally, as a Mother of 2 girls, I am in complete shock and my first instinct is to gasp and say “how could you shut that door forever?!”
However, Darcie has no regrets. She knows who she is, and it’s not a Mother. She readily admits that she has no maternal instinct whatsoever. She absolutely never wants to carry another baby. She has her dogs and to her, that is enough.
As for the new family, they are settling in as a new family of 4. From what I hear, big Brother could not be happier to have a little Sister to take care.
What now?
This is the moment Darcie has been waiting for, for over 9 months. What will she do now? She’ll go back to work, she’ll establish a new normal. Hiking with her dogs, and getting back her body she had before she got pregnant. Selling the house she shared with her ex husband and finding a new place, making it her own.
I hint at dating and she replied that it was the least of her concerns right now. Right now she just needs to learn who Darcie is without being her brothers surrogate, the one who got knocked up accidentally, the one who is divorced and had a failed marriage. That’s not her anymore. But she is excited to find out who she is now. So much has changed, she won’t be the same single girl she was when she met her ex husband. Her next adventure is one of discovery.
As for her ex husband? He left the city around the due date, it was too hard for him as well. Darcie did mention that he stopped by the house after she had delivered the baby and she didn’t even look at him. Not because she didn’t want to, but because emotionally, she was a wreck. If she had looked at him, the dam would break and the flood would rush in. She didn’t want him to see her like that. He didn’t deserve it. The house has now conditionally sold and Darcie is on the hunt for her own place. Her fresh start is coming soon, as the house was the last tie to her ex husband before can finally let go and move on.
My last question to Darcie stumped her.
How and when will you address this journey in your life with future love interests? “oh wow” she said. She admits she never even considered that. She’s been open about this process with anyone that asks and of course this blog has been almost therapeutic for her, to talk it out, get it out there and have it exist. Would she go out of her way to tell any new person she meets, no of course not. If there is a time when there is a potential for a romantic relationship with someone, then she will share. She’s not embarrassed about how she got in her situation, she’s not the first, nor will she be the last to be in those shoes.
This experience has has changed her, inside and out. She will move on, but I believe, she will always remember this time in her life as a pivotal moment in growing.
Note: With the end of this series now, I wanted to say to Thank you to Darcie for letting me document her journey, for being so real and open about her thoughts and feelings. To the adoptive parents (Darcie’s brother and sister in law) I know this was probably very hard for you as well. Especially now you have a daughter to protect. Thank you for sharing your story as well, and congratulations on becoming a happy family of 4. Enjoy every moment.
Thank you to my readers, this has been a popular series on my blog and it gives me reason to do another series if the opportunity arises. Not sure what yet. If you have ideas, I’m open to them.
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