The Accidental Surrogate: Part 1

The Accidental Surrogacy: Part 1 – wtf wtf wtf…..!

*Names in this story have been changed to protect the privacy of all involved, especially this future little one. Some other details may be changed throughout the series but the situation and experience is all real.

A bit of a backstory.

*Darcie is a regular woman, like any of us. She strives to eat better, exercise, she wants a career and of course, romance. She, however  separated from her husband, and in search of coming of to terms with the breakdown of her marriage, she threw herself into dating and figuring out this new found world of Tinder. Dating had changed since she was last single. She never had desired to have children and she was OK with that decision.  What she never anticipated was that she would ever be pregnant, let alone, single and pregnant.

Faced with a hard decision, she knew deep down that this could very well be a beautiful blessing. Because her brother and his wife are on the adoption list. They are waiting for that fateful call. They have been waiting for a long time.

Now, Darcie was that call.

So here is where this series starts. Darcie is a near and dear friend of mine, who has agreed to share her journey with all of you. I will be checking in with her every few weeks for updates. This series is a means of support and love for Darcie. And for anything, to bring hope and education to any woman who may feel lost. For other surrogates to connect, to root for her and mostly, to share a beautiful journey.

Before anything, she had to talk to her brother and sister in law and find out if they wanted to adopt this baby.

They did. Without hesitation.

As honest as possible, what really truly went through your head when you saw that positive pregnancy test? You must have gone through stages of grief, wtf do I do now and acceptance?

When I did the first test, I was like ‘haha I did the test wrong’ and there was no way i was actually pregnant. I was in shock and denial of course so took a picture of the test and sent it to my friend asking what the results meant. I knew that it was positive but like no it can’t be. Of course she responded with your pregnant. I needed to do another test to actually be right. So the next day I got a different one, read the instructions thoroughly and within 30 secs it said pregnant. The next person I told right away was my Mom. She was so supportive and accepting that it made it much easier to cope with and whatever decision I chose.

Tell me how you came about the decision to include your brother and his wife?

For someone who has never wanted kids, the idea of keeping this wasn’t even a thought. I never would have done abortion so the idea of my Brother adopting came instantly to me. They have a son already who will be 3 in September and was adopted. Being on the waitlist for a 2nd, they have had some serious setbacks. Even being his sisters baby, they accepted the idea of adoption without hesitation.

You immediately thought of your brother and carrying this child for him and his wife, which is an amazingly selfless thing to do. What was the conversation like with your brother, what was his reaction and how did you feel after it was finally out?

They were in Hawaii on their 10 year wedding anniversary.  After I talked with my mom, I sent a message to my brother to see about meeting up with them that Saturday with Mom to talk about something.  Of course he wanted to know what, in case it was bad, he could pray. I told him I couldn’t, not on the phone via text. Within a few hours, he sent me a message asking if I was pregnant.  I said yes. Of course he was in shock. I then I had a serious question to ask. He knew it was about adoption. Within seconds he responded with absolutely. It was a warm and humbling feeling to see he responded so quickly and with so much love.  The next day I asked how they felt and if they still were 100% wanting to adopt. As being a religious person, he said god has answered their prayers and are so excited for this baby.

What are you most scared of over the next 9 months?

 

Haha as funny as this may sound but my body changing.  I’m only 5.5 weeks and I’m already seeing some changes.  I lost 35 lbs 2 years ago and have worked hard to maintain my new figure.  This baby has put that all to hell now. I never wanted to know what this feeling is all about and getting bigger.  Maybe my opinion will change as the time goes by and seeing this baby grow but right now, I’m not liking how my skirts aren’t flattering anymore.

You have a unique situation where you have family and friends but also, a husband to tell that you are separated from. I can’t imagine that has been easy for anyone, including him. Are you comfortable sharing how that went down?

I have been very open with telling people about my situation.  As this pregnancy is unplanned, its a blessing and if people really know my story and my brothers, its beautiful.  My ex husband knows and works for my brother. When I told him I was pregnant and they are adopting, his reaction was very unexpected.  He started to cry and gave me the biggest hug. Shock of course was there but that genuine happiness for them was so beautiful. As for some friends, I’m sure there will be certain opinions and when I’m ready to accept those negative ones I’ll be willing to say but for now, those who I feel will give me the love and support I need are who I’m telling first.

You let me see text messages from your brother when you told him, and the love, support and love for this child already was so apparent. I want readers to really understand that your brother and his wife didn’t even have to contemplate it in any way. Your brothers first response when you told him you were pregnant was “we love you and support you” immediately. That was amazing to see and I got choked up just reading it.

My brother has been a huge support network for me while I’ve been going through my separation.  I believe they knew I wouldn’t be keeping this baby and would be asking for them to adopt. I think those words he wrote actually gave me the support I needed to move forward with my decision and they know they will have this whole process to be a part of from my 1st doctors appointment to the delivery.  

We had discussed this series and the possibility of keeping your identity secret or not. You said you didn’t mind your identity known, which is courageous and brave all at the same time. But there will be friends, acquaintances that will be finding out by reading this. Which leads
me to my next question. Everyone judges, and there might be some negative comments, or backlash on this journey, especially blogging and updating the internet. Do you feel that will affect you?

I originally has zero issues with my identity and actually I still don’t care if people know its me, however, I asked my brother if they are okay with my name being out there and my story and they have requested I remain anonymous.  I understand they want their baby and their story to keep unknown persay. If my name was attached to all these blog posts and people were negative, I would just take it with a grain of salt. People will always have their own opinions, good or bad.  I personally don’t care what they have to say. I have made this decision without them and will move on as such. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt though.

What now? What’s the next stage and where do you go from here?

Honestly I haven’t even thought of whats next.  I’ve been just going at this day by day for now.  My body hasn’t changed much, its still fresh in my 1st trimester.  I guess its about time and what happens. I hope for a healthy, decent pregnancy with minimal issues, like all new mothers.

Who are you going to rely on the most over the next few months?

Within these next few months, I will need support from so many people.  Not just my brother and mom but my friends and co-workers. The support I have already received from them is beyond unbelievable.  My 2 closes girlfriends have already given support to be there for appointments, which appointments to book, if I need to take Lamaze classes or so on.  

How far along are you now?

As of today, I’m 5.5 weeks.  Every Monday starts my new week.  I’m the height of the M on a MnM as per the Bump app I’m on.

How are you going to tackle dating ? That’s going to be new territory for you!

Oh dating, the least fun thing we like to do as we get older, pregnant or not.  For the few people I’ve spoken to, they say its no an issue but then conversation stops so clearly it is an issue.  For the ones I have yet to tell but need to in my mind, I’m dreading that moment. Tell someone you’ve had no connection with is easy, they don’t know you, they don’t know how you felt sexually so who cares if they ghost you right.  As for the ones you’ve made that connection with, those will be the ones that will hurt if it doesn’t go the way you want. I will say the emotional roller-coaster pregnancy has put on me at this time has made this process either dreadful or exciting.  Its always interesting to hear what a guy thinks of woman carry a child for their brother. Will those ones I hope give me the support I want have that same outlook that its a blessing and will be there?

Darcie has her first doctors appointment next week. I’ll be chatting with her and getting an updated posted hoping once a month for this series. If you have any questions you would like me to ask Darcie for the next update, please email me erin@theunfilteredmommy.com and any reasonable, respectful question will be asked.

Thanks everyone! And if you’re worried you’ll miss an update, just select to subscribe to my emails on my main page here.

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